Speechless...

Speechless...we use that term a lot in our lives, but how many times have we actually felt that way? I mean REALLY been speechless? We usually manage to mutter something...I'm Sorry...I didn't know that...etc. But since we have been faced with battling this horrible disease, I find that I am speechless more and more.

Many times I am afraid if I talk, then the strength I am using to fight back the tears will disappear, and I will cry. Not that I am afraid to cry, it feels really good sometimes; I just know that crying is contagious and I don't want Dad to catch it. So, I usually just sit speechless, and he loves the company. Sometimes just holding his hand gives him great comfort. A smile and a wink from across the room will almost always result in a returned smile and wink. Saying, "I Love You" will always get the same phrase returned.

We have called in Hope Hospice after Barry spent 10 days in the hospital for the same lung procedure, this time on the right lung. He has fought a very strong battle and we are all so very proud of his strength. This was a decision that he made with the blessing of his wife, parents, children, and friends. What this means is that our focus has changed from fighting cancer to enjoying the time that remains. This means that nurses and aides come to the house. Trips to the doctors' offices are greatly reduced. We now switch from making him eat things to make him strong to letting him have ice cream for dinner. His time with us is limited. The cancer has begun to progress and we are making him as comfortable as possible with medication, oxygen, love, and laughter.

Visitors-We welcome visitors and telephone calls, but Barry isn't always up to either. We are now taking shifts at spending time with him all day. He is too weak to get out of bed by himself and needs help to just sit up. If you would like to visit, we ask that you call the day of. Please call the home number (925) 606-6352 and don't be offended if he doesn't feel like visitors. He spends most of the day laying in or on the bed in a t-shirt and boxer shorts...or less.

What to Say-Something to keep in mind is that Barry doesn't like to talk about cancer! Nobody REALLY likes to talk about cancer. Come prepared with a picture or a story that has fond memories for both of you. Talk about his kids! (That is my favorite topic!) Help him to remember times when he was healthy, strong, and laughed. There is nothing that makes me smile more than to see him smile. His laughs are harder to come by today, but even a giggle is enough to brighten the house for a whole day.

I can't even begin to describe how difficult it is to publish this posting. I have switched out the Relay slide show to the pictures of Dad throughout the years. In closing, I wanted to share a story with you.

I was sitting in the hospital last week when Dad was taking a nap. I was working at the foot of the bed. I noticed that his hands were moving as he slept and as I looked closer, his hands were busy. Not just the usual twitching and jerking, but he was really doing something. When he woke, I asked what he was working on in his sleep and he couldn't remember.

That night I awoke from a dream. In my dream I could see what Dad was dreaming...this was my superhero power...along with being able to see through some glass, but that is a different story. But I could see exactly what he was dreaming about. He was healthy and I was young. He had taken me out fishing on the banks of the Delta and I had gotten my fishing line tangled when I was trying to cast. His hands were so busy trying to untangle my fishing reel. All the while he was looking down at me and smiling. I felt bad that I had tangled the line, but he didn't seem the least bit bothered.

It gives me great comfort in knowing that these are the memories that I have of my Dad; even if fabricated in my own mind. I know that he will always look down at me with a smile and will always be there to untangle whatever mess I make.

I Love You All and Love You Dad!
Glen